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Amy Eden, an adult child of alcoholics and long time writer and teacher on the subject, offers insight into navigating the waters of being in love with an “ACA.” Have you heard the one about the confused man whose girlfriend of a year and a half suddenly got mad and left him? The skills that had served her so well in childhood weren’t working. We commit to someone who’s interested in us because we’re the ever-loyal children of dysfunctional, rigid parents, and then we buckle up and enjoy (or something) the feeling of rushing along, fast, on a course to…wherever.
It was too much to continue faking a perfect self, being pleasing, affable, not having needs, or sour moods. For people who grow up with an alcoholic parent, getting into relationships is like getting on a fast ride with a one-way ticket.
This fear is present because you never clearly established your sense of self while you were growing into adulthood.
The early messages that you received from your parents were very confusing.
How can anyone really know if their partner, potential husband or wife, came from an alcoholic household? Sometimes it’s not known that someone’s parents are alcoholics — plenty of people have alcoholic parents without realizing it.
Loving someone whose parents are alcoholics is challenging and often unpredictable territory.
With that kind of beginning, it’s easier to understand the hallmark get close-pull away pattern that often gets established in relationships in which one partner grew up around addiction.
As a child, your partner may have had the following characteristics: On the other hand, your partner may have swung to the other end of the spectrum, trying to make everything perfect, being the peacemaker in the family, striving for perfectionism, taking on adult responsibilities, and denying their own needs in favor of protecting the alcoholic parent.
The Adult Children of Alcoholics website has a list of fourteen characteristics of ACOAs, called “The Laundry List.” Either way, it’s likely some of these characteristics have lingered into your partner’s adult personality, and may be showing up in your relationship.
The lack of clear messages forced you to create many of your beliefs and values, rather than learning them through example.
Because your parents didn't consistently care for you in all the ways that a child needs care, you have had to do a lot of self' parenting.
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